Gulbadan

Ufone and underwear are, despite what you might think when you read the title, not really related in any plausible way, except the fact that I have been thinking about them, among many other things, recently.

I am quite frankly sick and tired of Ufone invading the LUMS campus with their sexy, sleek, glazed and black post-pay packages that they have been giving away to students for free. FREE!! While I am never one not to admire a sexy looking man (and believe me, this Abdullah dude, the model they have in their ad campaign, is looking simply delectable in the pictures inside the user manual that comes with the connection), what has annoyed me beyond measure is messages I get from assorted numbers going something like 0332-8400xxx, saying "hello, I am your falan-falan-friend, this is my new number, please save it, thanks and god bless." Or something like that. It seems half the LUMS population has switched to Ufone. Well, at least they can say their campaign was successful, for when I met their corporate sales rep a few months back (for reasons I shall of course keep top secret for no reason whatsoever), he said "I want people like you to become brand ambassadors of Ufone, so that other students who look up to you as "cool guys" will buy Ufone connections simply because you have them too."

If nothing else, we should all pause for a moment and laugh at the ludicrous nature of this guy's statement referring to me as a 'cool guy who people look up to.' Quite obviously, though, they found more willing salesmen who, for a healthy commission I'm sure, arranged this cellular giveaway that (unsatisfied but god-knows-why loyal) Warid users like myself failed to take advantage of.

Moving on. We as a nation take pride in a lot of time-tested and noble traditions...traditions that set our glorious culture apart from the mass of nonsense that pervades us. Wearing underwear, though, is clearly not one of them. When donning a shalwar or a dhoti beneath a standard kameez, one simply is not supposed to wear underwear (unless, of course, the shalwar has an elastic in it making it susceptible to being pulled down by those naughty people). It is just not Pakistani. You see, the standard naala, that magnificent creation of the attire-savvy, works as an ingenious belt that you can tie up and secure your shalwars with, while the long kameez provides the necessary 'cover' (for lack of a better word).

Thus, when wearing a national/local dress, one really needs to get in character by abandoning this Western colonial legacy that restricts both movement and ventilation and acts as nothing more than a nuisance really. And as any self respecting individual will tell you, comfort only comes when one is commando. Indeed, the two are synonymous.

In this spirit, I shall be burning my new blue chequered boxers next weekend. So, those of you daring enough to want to join me in this cathartic moment symbolizing the breaking free from imposed shackles and the spitting in the face of all-pervasive westernization, please get in touch. We shall be christened the Commando Force! For others who are too meek to realize the fetters that restrict the freeing up of their minds, there is a sale at PACE (the Link Road, Model Town branch) on all kinds of undies: boxers, briefs and that fascinating hybrid variety, the boxer-brief.