Gulbadan

Ufone and underwear are, despite what you might think when you read the title, not really related in any plausible way, except the fact that I have been thinking about them, among many other things, recently.

I am quite frankly sick and tired of Ufone invading the LUMS campus with their sexy, sleek, glazed and black post-pay packages that they have been giving away to students for free. FREE!! While I am never one not to admire a sexy looking man (and believe me, this Abdullah dude, the model they have in their ad campaign, is looking simply delectable in the pictures inside the user manual that comes with the connection), what has annoyed me beyond measure is messages I get from assorted numbers going something like 0332-8400xxx, saying "hello, I am your falan-falan-friend, this is my new number, please save it, thanks and god bless." Or something like that. It seems half the LUMS population has switched to Ufone. Well, at least they can say their campaign was successful, for when I met their corporate sales rep a few months back (for reasons I shall of course keep top secret for no reason whatsoever), he said "I want people like you to become brand ambassadors of Ufone, so that other students who look up to you as "cool guys" will buy Ufone connections simply because you have them too."

If nothing else, we should all pause for a moment and laugh at the ludicrous nature of this guy's statement referring to me as a 'cool guy who people look up to.' Quite obviously, though, they found more willing salesmen who, for a healthy commission I'm sure, arranged this cellular giveaway that (unsatisfied but god-knows-why loyal) Warid users like myself failed to take advantage of.

Moving on. We as a nation take pride in a lot of time-tested and noble traditions...traditions that set our glorious culture apart from the mass of nonsense that pervades us. Wearing underwear, though, is clearly not one of them. When donning a shalwar or a dhoti beneath a standard kameez, one simply is not supposed to wear underwear (unless, of course, the shalwar has an elastic in it making it susceptible to being pulled down by those naughty people). It is just not Pakistani. You see, the standard naala, that magnificent creation of the attire-savvy, works as an ingenious belt that you can tie up and secure your shalwars with, while the long kameez provides the necessary 'cover' (for lack of a better word).

Thus, when wearing a national/local dress, one really needs to get in character by abandoning this Western colonial legacy that restricts both movement and ventilation and acts as nothing more than a nuisance really. And as any self respecting individual will tell you, comfort only comes when one is commando. Indeed, the two are synonymous.

In this spirit, I shall be burning my new blue chequered boxers next weekend. So, those of you daring enough to want to join me in this cathartic moment symbolizing the breaking free from imposed shackles and the spitting in the face of all-pervasive westernization, please get in touch. We shall be christened the Commando Force! For others who are too meek to realize the fetters that restrict the freeing up of their minds, there is a sale at PACE (the Link Road, Model Town branch) on all kinds of undies: boxers, briefs and that fascinating hybrid variety, the boxer-brief.

So yesterday I was engaging in my favourite hobby of reading the daily newspaper (it is a ritual I have had since ages, sitting on the breakfast table reading the paper while munching my toast/paratha and chugging down my big cup of stale chai), and I came across an interesting piece in the The News by a lady called Afiya Shehrbano. Now I must admit the only reason I actually bothered to read the piece was because the author's picture was posted next to it, and she was one cute piece of pie. The article, though, turned out to be rather funny, especially when it mentioned terms relevant to me and my areas of study and interest: profit maximization, corporate social responsibility and Unilever (one of those typical companies who might give me a job entailing the usual soap-and-shampoo-counting).

I quote from her article:

"The trick is to sell it as a nicely packaged 'meaningful' social engagement. Step in, the corporate sector - the biggest phony. Another kind of 'scheme' has been featuring recently under the guise of corporate social responsibility. Unilever has been running a front page assault eulogising its Fair and Lovely scholarship program. Several feminist critiques have pointed out how companies are...promoting new oppressions by disguising them as empowerment. In this case, the social values that a modern woman should aspire for would include a good education and good looking fair skin."

Information about this particular program can be found here. Interestingly, this is not just a Pakistan specific project, but involves Unilever in India and Bangladesh as well.

Hmm, I wonder if they have something in store related to their Fair and Handsome product for really, really dark boys like myself. Because we all know how being dark is detrimental to upward social mobility and getting good marriage proposals. Shit.

As most of you probably know, Nirala Sweets is the premier mithai brand in Pakistan, and is widely regarded (at least amongst posh upperclass burgers like you and me) as the best.

As some of you also probably know, Nirala's CEO and heir apparent of the empire built by dadajee Taj Din, the other day killed a little baby and put his parents in the hospital courtesy a pleasurable and relaxing drive on his fancy sports car. And then, as expected, he threatened the police with his own goons to register the case, which consequently hasn't been registered so far.

Now two of this guy's brothers were in the same school as me, and let me assure you, cars was all they cared about. :p

Anyway, I have been getting random sms's from people saying that Nirala products should be boycotted by us, to make sure the company is made to suffer for such blatant disregard of law and order. What is boggling my mind is that, assuming the boycott is implemented successfully, where will we get shaadi ke ladoo from in the wedding season that is upon us!

I was perusing Nirala's website, and I came across something very interesting:

"The core values, known as the Spirit of Nirala, have not changed over the generations. These values were and still are what makes Nirala the market leader.

1. Integrity
2. Innovation
3. Continuous improvement
4. Team Work
5. Social Responsibility"

Haha. Too good. Anyway, I am thankful that at least my intake of and passion for gulaab jamuns will remain unaffected, as I never went to Nirala for those in any case. Nirala's gulaab jamuns suck people!

So the other day I was watching my favourite news channel, Fox News. I must say, that brunette newscaster with the short skirt needs to go into the television hall of fame for the immense amount of cuteness she possesses.

Hmm, now that I've finished objectifying her and satisfied my carnal side, let me come to the matter at hand. So the channel was promoting a documentary made in the US about, what else, Islamic fundamentalism, our favourite topic of discussion. In the documentary (whose name I have unfortunately and sadly forgotten) they were showing real clippings from television channels in the Middle East, trying to prove the point that Muslims are inherently hateful and vile (ooh, shit, that's quite an assertion). Out of the few clips they showed, I remember two:

1. Iraqi television. Religious gathering being addressed by a bearded, clad-in-white maulvi. He suddenly takes out a sword (yep, a real, sexy, flashing, gold-encased sword!!) and says (and I rely on the subtitled translation in English since my knowledge of Arabic is as good as a fish's knowledge of the desert): "with this sword, we must go forward and cut the heads of the invading infidels." Loud cheers. I am left laughing my posterior off. Talk about excellent dramatic effect. (Yes I am purposefully finding humor in the situation. You can comment on its gravity as much as you like. I don't care about that.)

2. Palestinian television. Woman interviewing six year old child:
(again, sadly, I am relying on the provided subtitled translation)
Woman: Do you know who Jews are?
Child: Yes. They are descendants of pigs.
Woman: And how do you know that, son?
Child: It is written in the Quran.

Seriously, he actually said that! Actually, he's not alone in thinking that. An excellent, excellent discussion on the topic can be found here.

I have also been smiling to myself for the past two days because of a banner hanging next to a mosque near my house that, apparently, comments on the recent passing of the Women's Protection Bill as law in the Senate:

Azadi-e-nuswaan: ikisween saddi ka sab se bara fitna!
(Emancipation of women: the biggest curse of the twenty-first century!)
Lecture by Dr. Israr Ahmed

As I am currently struggling to control my laughter, I will depart, but with another gem I read on some website brought forward by some dude called Kashif:

kal jo be-parda nazar aain chand bibian
akbar zameen main ghairat-e-qaumi say ghar gaya
poocha jo un say woh aap ka parda kya hua
kehnay lageen aqal pay mardon ki parh gaya

Translating it will simply spoil its fun, so I apologize for the inconvenience.

Some of my friends have asked me in disbelief what I was doing holed up in a hotel on Davis Road for four whole days. Not that they'd care, but here's an explanation:

AIESEC Pakistan's National Youth Development Seminar, 2006