Saturday, November 17, 2007
Emergency and me
Right, so I haven't shared my thoughts with the world for many months now. It has not been because of any dry spell that befell my infinite wit or acerbic tongue, but simply because of a shift in priorities. See, I was too busy changing the world (ask me in private about that, if you want to) to care about writing on a random page on the world wide web about issues that matter to no one for an audience that numbers a total of seven people. But, as like some other people in my circle of associates, I have been awoken from my slumber (excuse the grandiosity) by, naturally, the single most disgusting act of injustice I have ever witnessed in my entire twenty-three years of dignified existence. Yep, that's right...the fuckin' Emergency, baby!
So there I was on the 3rd of November in a random resort far outside the city of Karachi minding my own merry business and enjoying an AIESEC conference that was going rather well when bang! comes the news that Captain Planet and the Planeteers have been sent packing from the Supreme Court and life is going to be one hell of a mess from this point onward. Now, while I can take such things in my stride, I had a wonderful troupe of foreigners with me who had come here through AIESEC and were living and working in our country. (For those of you who don't know, wherever you see something AIESEC, you will see some international people in all shapes and sizes not far behind...unless, of course, it is AIESEC Lahore, which happens to be just a bunch of testosterone-plus horny young men from LUMS! :p)
Naturally, some of my gora/kala mates begin freaking out. Calls start coming from home, and confusion reigns supreme. Add to that the fact that I'm personally not the best motivator around and generally tend to make people less at ease with my not-so-positive comments and am thus probably a nuisance to have hanging around in such times of crises, and you can pretty much imagine the stress levels shooting up.
Thankfully, the day and night pass off without incident, and our conference continues along its merry course. I, though, being the politically-inclined and extremely well-informed little bugger that I happen to be, realize that these are important times for our poor country and begin considering my options as a noble citizen. A quick call to a politically-active friend (future PM of this country he is, so he likes to claim) informs me that I am now liable to be arrested and held without charges for creating 'disturbances,' and that criticizing the Armed Forces can lead to a treason charge which obviously is one easy way to get yourself placed on a table and have your head chopped off with a sword. (At least that's how they do it in Saudi Arabia. We, thankfully, are more merciful).
"Oh fuck" was my natural reaction, in short. Personally, army-bashing has been a well-liked sport of mine for a few years (or ever since I grew up mentally, which sadly wasn't many years ago) and I was/am severely offended by the fact that my right to whine about and diss those in hideously-colored uniforms wearing a plethora of unnecessary badges and running the country into the ground and then dolloping truckloads of shit on it has been taking away by a single swipe. My objections are quite logical and easy to comprehend: if I do not indulge in this whining while sitting comfortably on my sofa or at a khokha smoking cheap Gold Leafs, then not only do I lose a valuable source of release and casual entertainment, but, more importantly, how the fuckety fuck am I exercise my right to free speech, enshrined as it is in the (ass-raped) Constitution of this country? Eh? I, sir, am not impressed at all!
Adding on to that, I am also not very pleased at this blatant assault on democratic practices. Save your PTV-rhetoric and your logic for doing so; I cannot be made a fool of this easily! I am a fucking Fulbright scholar, for God's sake yar! I am sick and tired of seeing these bozo-lotas parading around as elected representatives of my countrymen and competent administrators of this glorious nation. Give me a chance to vote, darn it, and I shall prove to you that I deserve and am fully capable of democracy.
I have, after all, inspiring leadership to choose from: on one side I have my lady friend who has milked both her father's name and this country's resources dry, while on the other I have my lion (nay, 'Sher' is more like it!) from Lahore who has made by far the most productive investment we've seen since the hydrogen bomb invention: the gleaming, shining motorway connecting his two houses. If bored by those, I will have to make the difficult choice between our most valuable export to London, the butcher Bhai from nine-zero and the "say-Allahu-akbar-and-then-blow-up-ten-children" maulana from Swat. I am spoiled for choice, if I do say so myself. Alas, just when I was flexing my muscles to exercise my democratic right as a civilized citizen and vote this crap into power, Mr President you betrayed me again. So close and yet so far. Such travesty must never befall a man else his heart breaks!
Well, at least someone's taking a stand. It's extremely, extremely heartening to see my alma mater, LUMS, taking off its sissy-Giordano-pants for a change and standing up for what's right. This is truly the beginning of something new and big, and when I run for public office many years down the road, I shall proudly lie to a gullible crowd that I was there at LUMS every day leading these protests shana-bashana with my other brave fellows, and was a harbinger of social change via the revival of political spirit amongst the youth!
I have only one request for my LUMS friends and colleagues: I am a lonely man in this lonely city by the sea, and miss LUMS poondi terribly. So can you, to comply with a feeble man's wishes, please stop blackening out women's faces in those wretched photographs you are uploading everywhere? It is honestly my only source of checking out some fresh maal and admiring what I left behind and sorely miss! Have pity, fellas!
Thanking you immensely in advance,
aap ka pyara bhai
So there I was on the 3rd of November in a random resort far outside the city of Karachi minding my own merry business and enjoying an AIESEC conference that was going rather well when bang! comes the news that Captain Planet and the Planeteers have been sent packing from the Supreme Court and life is going to be one hell of a mess from this point onward. Now, while I can take such things in my stride, I had a wonderful troupe of foreigners with me who had come here through AIESEC and were living and working in our country. (For those of you who don't know, wherever you see something AIESEC, you will see some international people in all shapes and sizes not far behind...unless, of course, it is AIESEC Lahore, which happens to be just a bunch of testosterone-plus horny young men from LUMS! :p)
Naturally, some of my gora/kala mates begin freaking out. Calls start coming from home, and confusion reigns supreme. Add to that the fact that I'm personally not the best motivator around and generally tend to make people less at ease with my not-so-positive comments and am thus probably a nuisance to have hanging around in such times of crises, and you can pretty much imagine the stress levels shooting up.
Thankfully, the day and night pass off without incident, and our conference continues along its merry course. I, though, being the politically-inclined and extremely well-informed little bugger that I happen to be, realize that these are important times for our poor country and begin considering my options as a noble citizen. A quick call to a politically-active friend (future PM of this country he is, so he likes to claim) informs me that I am now liable to be arrested and held without charges for creating 'disturbances,' and that criticizing the Armed Forces can lead to a treason charge which obviously is one easy way to get yourself placed on a table and have your head chopped off with a sword. (At least that's how they do it in Saudi Arabia. We, thankfully, are more merciful).
"Oh fuck" was my natural reaction, in short. Personally, army-bashing has been a well-liked sport of mine for a few years (or ever since I grew up mentally, which sadly wasn't many years ago) and I was/am severely offended by the fact that my right to whine about and diss those in hideously-colored uniforms wearing a plethora of unnecessary badges and running the country into the ground and then dolloping truckloads of shit on it has been taking away by a single swipe. My objections are quite logical and easy to comprehend: if I do not indulge in this whining while sitting comfortably on my sofa or at a khokha smoking cheap Gold Leafs, then not only do I lose a valuable source of release and casual entertainment, but, more importantly, how the fuckety fuck am I exercise my right to free speech, enshrined as it is in the (ass-raped) Constitution of this country? Eh? I, sir, am not impressed at all!
Adding on to that, I am also not very pleased at this blatant assault on democratic practices. Save your PTV-rhetoric and your logic for doing so; I cannot be made a fool of this easily! I am a fucking Fulbright scholar, for God's sake yar! I am sick and tired of seeing these bozo-lotas parading around as elected representatives of my countrymen and competent administrators of this glorious nation. Give me a chance to vote, darn it, and I shall prove to you that I deserve and am fully capable of democracy.
I have, after all, inspiring leadership to choose from: on one side I have my lady friend who has milked both her father's name and this country's resources dry, while on the other I have my lion (nay, 'Sher' is more like it!) from Lahore who has made by far the most productive investment we've seen since the hydrogen bomb invention: the gleaming, shining motorway connecting his two houses. If bored by those, I will have to make the difficult choice between our most valuable export to London, the butcher Bhai from nine-zero and the "say-Allahu-akbar-and-then-blow-up-ten-children" maulana from Swat. I am spoiled for choice, if I do say so myself. Alas, just when I was flexing my muscles to exercise my democratic right as a civilized citizen and vote this crap into power, Mr President you betrayed me again. So close and yet so far. Such travesty must never befall a man else his heart breaks!
Well, at least someone's taking a stand. It's extremely, extremely heartening to see my alma mater, LUMS, taking off its sissy-Giordano-pants for a change and standing up for what's right. This is truly the beginning of something new and big, and when I run for public office many years down the road, I shall proudly lie to a gullible crowd that I was there at LUMS every day leading these protests shana-bashana with my other brave fellows, and was a harbinger of social change via the revival of political spirit amongst the youth!
I have only one request for my LUMS friends and colleagues: I am a lonely man in this lonely city by the sea, and miss LUMS poondi terribly. So can you, to comply with a feeble man's wishes, please stop blackening out women's faces in those wretched photographs you are uploading everywhere? It is honestly my only source of checking out some fresh maal and admiring what I left behind and sorely miss! Have pity, fellas!
Thanking you immensely in advance,
aap ka pyara bhai
// posted by Sohaib @ Saturday, November 17, 2007 
Comments:
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You've forced me to comment today – this definitely was one of the best satirical descriptions of our shameless leaders I’ve read for a while:
"I have, after all, inspiring leadership to choose from: on one side I have my lady friend who has milked both her father's name and this country's resources dry, while on the other I have my lion (nay, 'Sher' is more like it!) from Lahore who has made by far the most productive investment we've seen since the hydrogen bomb invention: the gleaming, shining motorway connecting his two houses."
You really have a great sense of wit and intellect when it comes to describing the state of the world as seen through a Pakistani youth. Your blog lacks that stereotypical commentary which you see in most prose by Pakistani students - one which inevitably results in content that is opinionated and has an acute slant because of multiple years of brainwashing. You have been brainwashed differently (if at all) - almost as though there is no sense of institution in your thoughts.
Simply put, you tell it how it is, not from anyone else's eyes, and not from the eyes you see your idyllic self, but through the eyes of a spectator not concerned on how the situation impacts their own life. Maybe that’s not your intention, but keep on "telling it how it is" and I look forward to reading more.
I do have a small criticism (I know everyone hates criticism, but sometimes its constructive and sometimes not, I hope its the former) - I feel sometimes you're trying a bit hard with your "pause and reflect" style. I know this is part of the uniqueness that I actually really enjoy reading, but at times it sounds a bit pompous. Now I know that's a bit harsh, but I feel you are catering to a specific audience who you may be trying to impress or please. I don’t mean to offend at all as I have been reading gulbaland's travels for a while now, but I feel almost as though there was an error in transmission when you moved over to nomadlife.
Speak your mind, explain your thoughts without having to explain yourself, and whether it’s an audience of seven or seven-thousand, have fun in writing it like you really don’t give a damn!
Once again, keep up the great narrative and all the best and good luck in all your endeavours!
P.S. I would love to hear your take on Imran Khan and his comical diet while in prison, Nawaz’s hair transplant, Benazir’s vs. Beghum Nawazish Ali, the embarrassment our cricketers are displaying in India, and maybe even some commentary on the western front including Bush, Hillary and the lovable Barack?
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"I have, after all, inspiring leadership to choose from: on one side I have my lady friend who has milked both her father's name and this country's resources dry, while on the other I have my lion (nay, 'Sher' is more like it!) from Lahore who has made by far the most productive investment we've seen since the hydrogen bomb invention: the gleaming, shining motorway connecting his two houses."
You really have a great sense of wit and intellect when it comes to describing the state of the world as seen through a Pakistani youth. Your blog lacks that stereotypical commentary which you see in most prose by Pakistani students - one which inevitably results in content that is opinionated and has an acute slant because of multiple years of brainwashing. You have been brainwashed differently (if at all) - almost as though there is no sense of institution in your thoughts.
Simply put, you tell it how it is, not from anyone else's eyes, and not from the eyes you see your idyllic self, but through the eyes of a spectator not concerned on how the situation impacts their own life. Maybe that’s not your intention, but keep on "telling it how it is" and I look forward to reading more.
I do have a small criticism (I know everyone hates criticism, but sometimes its constructive and sometimes not, I hope its the former) - I feel sometimes you're trying a bit hard with your "pause and reflect" style. I know this is part of the uniqueness that I actually really enjoy reading, but at times it sounds a bit pompous. Now I know that's a bit harsh, but I feel you are catering to a specific audience who you may be trying to impress or please. I don’t mean to offend at all as I have been reading gulbaland's travels for a while now, but I feel almost as though there was an error in transmission when you moved over to nomadlife.
Speak your mind, explain your thoughts without having to explain yourself, and whether it’s an audience of seven or seven-thousand, have fun in writing it like you really don’t give a damn!
Once again, keep up the great narrative and all the best and good luck in all your endeavours!
P.S. I would love to hear your take on Imran Khan and his comical diet while in prison, Nawaz’s hair transplant, Benazir’s vs. Beghum Nawazish Ali, the embarrassment our cricketers are displaying in India, and maybe even some commentary on the western front including Bush, Hillary and the lovable Barack?
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: Thursday, December 06, 2007
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