Gulbadan

In exactly ten days' time I will be embarking on a life-altering journey, one that will take me thousands of miles away in pursuit of higher education. I will be going to the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University for a two-year Master degree in public policy, and that too on a full scholarship.

Since this appears quite fancy on paper (or on screen, to be correct), one would expect me to be extremely excited. And yet, I am not looking forward to going at all. I am, instead, feeling scared, nervous, edgy and dreading the last ten days which I count down in my head. Things are so bad, I regret waking up every morning because it brings me all that more close to my departure date.

So why am I feeling this way, when I should be looking forward to, what a friend says, is the land of free pussy. Well, I have short-listed the following reasons:

Unclear future and career shift

I don't know what I will do with this degree when return home. I have so little information about its future prospects that whenever someone asks me what I'll do when I come back after two years, I shrug and reply "Well, I don't know. Let's see. Any ideas?" I also can't seem to recall exactly why I applied for it. You see, I just filled out my scholarship application because everyone in my university was doing it, and for pretty much the same degree. So, I thought, why not. And I got the scholarship. And then I got into Harvard. Well, heh, didn't really expect that, you know. Since then I've been trying to convince myself this is the coolest thing that could happen, but it's not working that well.

It also doesn't help that it's a big career shift for me. I was always under the impression I will end up selling soaps at a multinational alongside some pretty chicks, or analyzing stocks like most of my other fellow university graduates are doing. They get great money and seem to have a lot of fun. And here I am, going to study public policy when I don't even know what it means!

This uncertainty is one of the major reasons for my nervousness. They say you should only go for a masters degree when you are fully ready, and if you know exactly how it will benefit you professionally. I am totally blank in that respect. I envy those who are sure and confident. You lucky bastards.

New housing

For my first week at Harvard, I will be without housing and will be staying with random people, sleeping on their couches or on the floor with my trusty sleeping bag. This is a bad, bad way to start a new life: being unsettled and not getting into a routine from the very start. This is not helping me mentally and causing much anxiety.

Soon, though, I will move into my own apartment. Now this particular lodging comes completely unfurnished. Which means the only place to sit in the damn thing is the toilet seat! So, all furniture has to be purchased/borrowed/stolen for my use. There are two problems with this:

One, I don't know jack about filling a house up with things of use, especially furniture. I think I should make a list or something. Hell, I probably need to search for decorative paintings as well to make the house look more livable and welcome.

Two, my apartment is on the 3rd floor with no elevator. I wonder how I will move everything from cupboards to mattresses to couches up three floors. I could barely carry my suitcase the same height in my Karachi apartment!

Away from home

I grew up in a completely sheltered and protected life, and am a complete failure when it comes to being independent and managing on my own. This will be the first time I will living on my own, alone. I spent a year living in Karachi recently, with tons of colleagues, which was of immense help. Otherwise I would've crying right now.

This is also the first time I will be going out of Pakistan for more than a 2-week vacation. I've never been outside Asia, and have thus rarely experienced how life in Western countries is like or what I am supposed to do.

Being away from family (a set of parents that do everything for me), friends (people who I have much in common with) and a someone who I will be unable to see for ages is not something I am looking forward to. Add to this my general incompetence in social situations, and inability to make new friends, and I predict a very quick attack of anxiety, homesickness and finally depression.

Scared of small things

A friend once said, "Sohaib is a genius at the most complicated of things, but completely inept at the most basic ones." Now I will not be pompous enough to assume he's correct about the genius bit, but concede that he's spot on about the latter part. I can barely accomplish basic tasks without either screwing up a few times, or repeatedly asking for assistance from sheepish onlookers.

This has done my anxiety no favors, and has completely mind-fucked me. To get a drift of things, just look at the questions and concerns circling in my head before departure:

How do I change planes after stopovers? How do I go from one terminal to the other? What if I fall asleep at the stopover? How do I check-in at counters?

How do I buy things online with credit cards? How do I use a credit card number? How the fuck do I even get a credit card? How do I settle credit card bills?

How do I ride a subway? Is it claustrophobic or suffocating underground? How do I pay for subways if they don't accept cash?

How do I download things in America? What if the FBI sues me for piracy? Why can I not download Angelina Jolie clips from torrent sites anymore? What the fuck?

So yea, you get the drift.

Scared of winter

I have never seen a live snowfall. I have only twice seen snow lying on the ground, which was in Murree both times and a few days old and thus slushy and icky both times. I do not know what waterproof boots are supposed to do or what they look like. Problem is, I'm going to Boston, and it's supposed to be fucking cold there, with regular snowstorms and winters lasting 4-5 months and temperatures going to -20 celcius.

What will I do? And to top that, unlike all Lahoris, I hate winters. Leaves me fucking shivering all the time. I am a summer man through and through. Sweat makes one feel like a man. Hehe.

In conclusion

So these are just some of the reasons I could figure out as being the cause of my anxiety and nervousness. Some of you might (rightfully) point out that I am acting like an ungrateful brat who's got a lucky break and an ideal scenario and is intent upon whining his ass off to get even more attention than he has already received and deserves. Well, that's definitely true to some extent. :)

But my concerns are genuine and real, peepz. So any help or assistance will be greatly appreciated. And no sissy pep-talk lines like "Oh don't worry, once you settle in it'll all be fine." Fuck you, it won't.