Gulbadan

So after many months, I could not resist writing about my favourite topic: politics. And the issue I have chosen is of fundamental importance to the past, present and future well-being of more than a billion people spread across thousands of acres of land in two nations.

As every Pakistani would know, the Kashmir cause is the be all and end all of foreign policy debate in Pakistan: fundamentally more important than any silly super-power led terror (and terrible) wars on warrior tribes; more worthy of passion than any illegal occupations of ancient, collapsing mosque-structures and a totally loser bunch of people (yes, Palestinians, I refer to thee, le idiots!); and more inextricably linked to our history, shared culture, boyhood slogans, oratory arousals for maulvis than Madan Noor Jehan.

As every Pakistan would know, we have grown up with chants and dreams about Kashmir. Allow me to reproduce a few:

1. Kashmir is the jugular vein of Pakistan
2. Kashmir, Kashmir, only Kashmir
3. blah-blah-kashmir-blah-blah

and, my personal favourite:

4. Kashmir ki azadi tak udhar bandh hai
(No credit till the freedom of Kashmir)
(On a sign at the photocopy shop of my school)

As every Pakistani would know, many a household has lost a valiant son who went awry and decided to become a jehadi and get recruited and cross the line of control and run off to Indian-held Kashmir and then get deservedly blown-up by an Indian rocket. Hell, my good friend ran off to a training camp last year to 'rescue' his younger brother!

And yet, despite all of the above, here I am asking an extremely pertinent question: why the fuck do we still give a fuck?

Kashmir is a lost cause. L.O.S.T. Deal with it, bury your patriotism, move on, save your sons. Oh, and do restore the judges while you're at it.

Allow me to explain why:

Reason # 1: bad start, bad luck, bad planning, bad move boys!

So the idea was right: since the Maharajah has fucked you over and handed a Muslim-majority state bordering Pakistan to India, you enlist a warrior tribe and stage an invasion to claim what is rightfully yours. Afterall, your neighbors did the same with Hyderabad Deccan. Sadly, our leadership did not realize the one major flaw with this plan: trusting Pathans.

Now I have nothing against our Pathan brethren (actually I do plenty, but more on that later), but this was just too much. A whole band of Pathan tribesmen start a holy jehad for a noble cause by leaving their homeland and march across the land and enter Kashmir to claim it for Pakistan. So far, so good. Then what happens? Well, they start looting. They actually start stealing from empty and abandoned shops. They do that all night. To fill their pockets. And turbans. And probably shalwars too. And by next morning, Indian forces have landed at Srinagar airport. And what was supposed to be a silent, sneaky invasion turns into a full-fletched war. And we end up with a silly little piece of Kashmir that we pompously name Azad while the real meat is left on the proverbial camel's body. All because of those greedy little pigs.

When reckless adventurism gets off to such a bad start, you should know that this is not your game. But we attack again in 1965. And achieve nothing. And then we do Kargil. And the magnitude of hilarity in that venture can be judged from the fact that there's even a Hrithik Roshan-Preity Zinta movie about it. Hah!

Reason # 2: sheer and utter lack of progess

For the past 61 years, we have not moved an inch closer to 'solving' the Kashmir dispute. Not a single fucking inch. The territory is now divided between India and Pakistan, with both claiming ownership over the entire, undivided land. The Pakistani tract is a meaningless square patch with its only use being good scenery for the latest Mobilink ads and the sappy I-love-Pakistan-and-its-dinosaur-classical-singers videos they release every year on Independence Day. The Indian part, apparently more beautiful and with more touristy value, currently has our boys kicking some serious butt, which they've been doing quite consistently and commendably since 1989 apparently (so informs Angaar Wadi, the PTV play to end all PTV plays). And by "our boys" I actually meant Kashmiri insurgents, using the general, widely accepted notion that we Pakistani are responsible for every bit of nuisance that takes place in that part. Err, yea, sure, like we don't have enough problems of our own. Like that smiling little chameleon becoming the next president.

Thus, there is a deadlock right now. As it has remained for the past many decades. And so it shall remain for the future many decades unless something drastic happens. Which brings me to...

Reason # 3: only wars break deadlocks

We like to think that since owning Kashmir is our birthright as the Islamic republic, we need to simply walk over to Srinagar, plant our flag and claim ownership.

Well, clearly, the Indians are not going to give Kashmir to anyone on a plate, with some firni thrown in. The only way the Kashmir dispute can be resolved decisively is if both countries fight it out and claim the entire land as their own. No divided, LoC, my-part-is-called-Azad-while-yours-is-called-Occupied-coz-you-are-an-evil-devilish-nation-you-cocksucker-lolzzzz! bullshit anymore.

And yea, our military is ready to fight this noble and holy war. Ready and willing. As soon as they free themselves from getting kidnapped and maimed by the TTP. Hmm, maybe they can actually outsource this war to the TTP. Now that's a good idea.

Oh wait, they already tried that once in Afghanistan. Ouch man.

In sum:

The Kashmir cause is teh dead-est of them all causes. Move on, save Pakistan from fiscal collapse, and build some damn fire-proof girl schools in Swat. Prioritize, bitch!