Gulbadan

So after many months, I could not resist writing about my favourite topic: politics. And the issue I have chosen is of fundamental importance to the past, present and future well-being of more than a billion people spread across thousands of acres of land in two nations.

As every Pakistani would know, the Kashmir cause is the be all and end all of foreign policy debate in Pakistan: fundamentally more important than any silly super-power led terror (and terrible) wars on warrior tribes; more worthy of passion than any illegal occupations of ancient, collapsing mosque-structures and a totally loser bunch of people (yes, Palestinians, I refer to thee, le idiots!); and more inextricably linked to our history, shared culture, boyhood slogans, oratory arousals for maulvis than Madan Noor Jehan.

As every Pakistan would know, we have grown up with chants and dreams about Kashmir. Allow me to reproduce a few:

1. Kashmir is the jugular vein of Pakistan
2. Kashmir, Kashmir, only Kashmir
3. blah-blah-kashmir-blah-blah

and, my personal favourite:

4. Kashmir ki azadi tak udhar bandh hai
(No credit till the freedom of Kashmir)
(On a sign at the photocopy shop of my school)

As every Pakistani would know, many a household has lost a valiant son who went awry and decided to become a jehadi and get recruited and cross the line of control and run off to Indian-held Kashmir and then get deservedly blown-up by an Indian rocket. Hell, my good friend ran off to a training camp last year to 'rescue' his younger brother!

And yet, despite all of the above, here I am asking an extremely pertinent question: why the fuck do we still give a fuck?

Kashmir is a lost cause. L.O.S.T. Deal with it, bury your patriotism, move on, save your sons. Oh, and do restore the judges while you're at it.

Allow me to explain why:

Reason # 1: bad start, bad luck, bad planning, bad move boys!

So the idea was right: since the Maharajah has fucked you over and handed a Muslim-majority state bordering Pakistan to India, you enlist a warrior tribe and stage an invasion to claim what is rightfully yours. Afterall, your neighbors did the same with Hyderabad Deccan. Sadly, our leadership did not realize the one major flaw with this plan: trusting Pathans.

Now I have nothing against our Pathan brethren (actually I do plenty, but more on that later), but this was just too much. A whole band of Pathan tribesmen start a holy jehad for a noble cause by leaving their homeland and march across the land and enter Kashmir to claim it for Pakistan. So far, so good. Then what happens? Well, they start looting. They actually start stealing from empty and abandoned shops. They do that all night. To fill their pockets. And turbans. And probably shalwars too. And by next morning, Indian forces have landed at Srinagar airport. And what was supposed to be a silent, sneaky invasion turns into a full-fletched war. And we end up with a silly little piece of Kashmir that we pompously name Azad while the real meat is left on the proverbial camel's body. All because of those greedy little pigs.

When reckless adventurism gets off to such a bad start, you should know that this is not your game. But we attack again in 1965. And achieve nothing. And then we do Kargil. And the magnitude of hilarity in that venture can be judged from the fact that there's even a Hrithik Roshan-Preity Zinta movie about it. Hah!

Reason # 2: sheer and utter lack of progess

For the past 61 years, we have not moved an inch closer to 'solving' the Kashmir dispute. Not a single fucking inch. The territory is now divided between India and Pakistan, with both claiming ownership over the entire, undivided land. The Pakistani tract is a meaningless square patch with its only use being good scenery for the latest Mobilink ads and the sappy I-love-Pakistan-and-its-dinosaur-classical-singers videos they release every year on Independence Day. The Indian part, apparently more beautiful and with more touristy value, currently has our boys kicking some serious butt, which they've been doing quite consistently and commendably since 1989 apparently (so informs Angaar Wadi, the PTV play to end all PTV plays). And by "our boys" I actually meant Kashmiri insurgents, using the general, widely accepted notion that we Pakistani are responsible for every bit of nuisance that takes place in that part. Err, yea, sure, like we don't have enough problems of our own. Like that smiling little chameleon becoming the next president.

Thus, there is a deadlock right now. As it has remained for the past many decades. And so it shall remain for the future many decades unless something drastic happens. Which brings me to...

Reason # 3: only wars break deadlocks

We like to think that since owning Kashmir is our birthright as the Islamic republic, we need to simply walk over to Srinagar, plant our flag and claim ownership.

Well, clearly, the Indians are not going to give Kashmir to anyone on a plate, with some firni thrown in. The only way the Kashmir dispute can be resolved decisively is if both countries fight it out and claim the entire land as their own. No divided, LoC, my-part-is-called-Azad-while-yours-is-called-Occupied-coz-you-are-an-evil-devilish-nation-you-cocksucker-lolzzzz! bullshit anymore.

And yea, our military is ready to fight this noble and holy war. Ready and willing. As soon as they free themselves from getting kidnapped and maimed by the TTP. Hmm, maybe they can actually outsource this war to the TTP. Now that's a good idea.

Oh wait, they already tried that once in Afghanistan. Ouch man.

In sum:

The Kashmir cause is teh dead-est of them all causes. Move on, save Pakistan from fiscal collapse, and build some damn fire-proof girl schools in Swat. Prioritize, bitch!

In exactly ten days' time I will be embarking on a life-altering journey, one that will take me thousands of miles away in pursuit of higher education. I will be going to the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University for a two-year Master degree in public policy, and that too on a full scholarship.

Since this appears quite fancy on paper (or on screen, to be correct), one would expect me to be extremely excited. And yet, I am not looking forward to going at all. I am, instead, feeling scared, nervous, edgy and dreading the last ten days which I count down in my head. Things are so bad, I regret waking up every morning because it brings me all that more close to my departure date.

So why am I feeling this way, when I should be looking forward to, what a friend says, is the land of free pussy. Well, I have short-listed the following reasons:

Unclear future and career shift

I don't know what I will do with this degree when return home. I have so little information about its future prospects that whenever someone asks me what I'll do when I come back after two years, I shrug and reply "Well, I don't know. Let's see. Any ideas?" I also can't seem to recall exactly why I applied for it. You see, I just filled out my scholarship application because everyone in my university was doing it, and for pretty much the same degree. So, I thought, why not. And I got the scholarship. And then I got into Harvard. Well, heh, didn't really expect that, you know. Since then I've been trying to convince myself this is the coolest thing that could happen, but it's not working that well.

It also doesn't help that it's a big career shift for me. I was always under the impression I will end up selling soaps at a multinational alongside some pretty chicks, or analyzing stocks like most of my other fellow university graduates are doing. They get great money and seem to have a lot of fun. And here I am, going to study public policy when I don't even know what it means!

This uncertainty is one of the major reasons for my nervousness. They say you should only go for a masters degree when you are fully ready, and if you know exactly how it will benefit you professionally. I am totally blank in that respect. I envy those who are sure and confident. You lucky bastards.

New housing

For my first week at Harvard, I will be without housing and will be staying with random people, sleeping on their couches or on the floor with my trusty sleeping bag. This is a bad, bad way to start a new life: being unsettled and not getting into a routine from the very start. This is not helping me mentally and causing much anxiety.

Soon, though, I will move into my own apartment. Now this particular lodging comes completely unfurnished. Which means the only place to sit in the damn thing is the toilet seat! So, all furniture has to be purchased/borrowed/stolen for my use. There are two problems with this:

One, I don't know jack about filling a house up with things of use, especially furniture. I think I should make a list or something. Hell, I probably need to search for decorative paintings as well to make the house look more livable and welcome.

Two, my apartment is on the 3rd floor with no elevator. I wonder how I will move everything from cupboards to mattresses to couches up three floors. I could barely carry my suitcase the same height in my Karachi apartment!

Away from home

I grew up in a completely sheltered and protected life, and am a complete failure when it comes to being independent and managing on my own. This will be the first time I will living on my own, alone. I spent a year living in Karachi recently, with tons of colleagues, which was of immense help. Otherwise I would've crying right now.

This is also the first time I will be going out of Pakistan for more than a 2-week vacation. I've never been outside Asia, and have thus rarely experienced how life in Western countries is like or what I am supposed to do.

Being away from family (a set of parents that do everything for me), friends (people who I have much in common with) and a someone who I will be unable to see for ages is not something I am looking forward to. Add to this my general incompetence in social situations, and inability to make new friends, and I predict a very quick attack of anxiety, homesickness and finally depression.

Scared of small things

A friend once said, "Sohaib is a genius at the most complicated of things, but completely inept at the most basic ones." Now I will not be pompous enough to assume he's correct about the genius bit, but concede that he's spot on about the latter part. I can barely accomplish basic tasks without either screwing up a few times, or repeatedly asking for assistance from sheepish onlookers.

This has done my anxiety no favors, and has completely mind-fucked me. To get a drift of things, just look at the questions and concerns circling in my head before departure:

How do I change planes after stopovers? How do I go from one terminal to the other? What if I fall asleep at the stopover? How do I check-in at counters?

How do I buy things online with credit cards? How do I use a credit card number? How the fuck do I even get a credit card? How do I settle credit card bills?

How do I ride a subway? Is it claustrophobic or suffocating underground? How do I pay for subways if they don't accept cash?

How do I download things in America? What if the FBI sues me for piracy? Why can I not download Angelina Jolie clips from torrent sites anymore? What the fuck?

So yea, you get the drift.

Scared of winter

I have never seen a live snowfall. I have only twice seen snow lying on the ground, which was in Murree both times and a few days old and thus slushy and icky both times. I do not know what waterproof boots are supposed to do or what they look like. Problem is, I'm going to Boston, and it's supposed to be fucking cold there, with regular snowstorms and winters lasting 4-5 months and temperatures going to -20 celcius.

What will I do? And to top that, unlike all Lahoris, I hate winters. Leaves me fucking shivering all the time. I am a summer man through and through. Sweat makes one feel like a man. Hehe.

In conclusion

So these are just some of the reasons I could figure out as being the cause of my anxiety and nervousness. Some of you might (rightfully) point out that I am acting like an ungrateful brat who's got a lucky break and an ideal scenario and is intent upon whining his ass off to get even more attention than he has already received and deserves. Well, that's definitely true to some extent. :)

But my concerns are genuine and real, peepz. So any help or assistance will be greatly appreciated. And no sissy pep-talk lines like "Oh don't worry, once you settle in it'll all be fine." Fuck you, it won't.