Gulbadan

It hit me this morning that ever since I came here a few months ago, I have spent more time washing dishes than doing the usual masters student stuff - researching for papers, writing papers, editing papers, making papers look pretty, and eventually whining about getting poor grades on papers. (Okay, well, the whining bit is still going strong. I never was good with writing papers, really. I have always preferred final examinations which require less preparation and are over in a couple of hours rather than lingering on for days and days and making your life a living hell. Fuck that they give more creative space – I’d rather follow the Joe Bloggs approach, guess and tick off a multiple choice any day.)

Anyway. Dishwashing is the topic of the day. So why have I been spending so many hours standing in my kitchen washing dishes while listening to new Bollywood songs when I should be out and about networking with Hahvahd-types and boosting my future (as yet unknown) career? Two reasons mainly: one, my flatmate is an oaf. Now he’s a swell guy and everything (and I shall forever love him for getting me hooked to Battlestar Galactica), but he is averse to cleaning up after himself. Example: while today he was boarding a flight to San Francisco for his fun winter trip, I was busy getting rid of his freshly-trimmed moustache hair from the bathroom sink. But it’s all good – we seem to have come to a mutually agreeable arrangement. He cooks, I clean. And he cooks a lot. Which is great. Greater still, he cooks desi food and adds tons of spices. You know, daal chawal, chicken karahi, biryani and shit. It is a much welcome change from this fracking bland crap known as American cuisine.

So yea, he cooks, I clean. Mostly. That was reason number one. Reason number two: my obsessive-compulsive anal-retentive nature cannot stand unorganized, messy shit lying around the house. Cleaning dishes is thus a compulsive necessity. So is wiping the stove clean. And scrubbing the toilet with my bare hands (eww, I know). And other necessary but not-so-fun-to-do stuff. I have to do it. Can’t help it. So every morning I wake up and while going to the loo notice dirty dishes from the previous day. Even before I have washed up for the morning, I roll up my sleeves and begin work on them. I often get a few minutes late to class because I spend too much time every morning washing dishes. And the process repeats itself ad nauseum.

Considering all of the above, it should come as no surprise that I have gained significant expertise in washing dishes, and even enjoy the mechanical task. It is especially easy and enjoyable if you ritualize it, like I have. This comes from my one-year stay in Karachi before coming here, when I was working for AIESEC. In fact, one of the most tangible, less fluffy skills I developed during that time was dishwashing. (Note to any future applicants: haha, and here you were thinking you’d be learning about team management and cultural diversity! Okay no, you learn that too actually.) On my very first day in Karachi, a dear friend taught me a most efficient method of washing dishes, something I still admire and utilize and will probably continue to do so until I wash my last dish.

It goes as follows, and involves three steps: step 1, you rinse everything. Step 2, you close the water tap, and apply detergent to everything. Most people frequently miss the crucial closing-the-water-tap bit, which wastes so much water. Yes, new flatmate and old roomie, I am looking at both of you! Step 3, rinse the detergent off everything. Result: sparkling clean and wonderful smelling dishes. Why is this process efficient you might ask? Two reasons: first, it is akin to an assembly line. Rather than doing the three steps for one dish and then moving on to the next one (and thus requiring constant shifting between water and detergent and sponge etcetera), you finish one step for all dishes before moving on to the next one. The usual labor productivity numbers and graphs apply. Second, it saves water and thus is good for planet Earth. Can I hear a “yay” for planet earth, peeps?

Right. So now you know the secret process for effective dishwashing. Let’s move it up a notch and introduce you to some more advanced material: the unbreakable rules of dishwashing. Rule number one: when you are using that two-sided, two-colored sponge thingy (the yellow and green ones made by Scotch Brite and pretty much everyone else, and really the only sponges worth using for dishwashing), you must use the smoother, yellow side for cutlery, glasses, bowls and plates (and other items used for eating food), while the rougher, scourer-like green side must always be reserved for pots and pans. Never clean pots and pans with the yellow side. The cutlery will be offended. Respect them, they have feelings. There is a simple logic to this rule yaar – the pots and pans are ‘dirtier’ and thus deserve special treatment. Give them that treatment, make them feel special.

Rule number two: always apply detergent to drinking cups first, followed by cutlery, followed by everything. Exactly and always in that order. You do not want the taste of pasta or chicken teriyaki on your water glass or, worse, chai ka mugga, right?

Rule number three: always listen to uplifting music when washing dishes. This does not have to be a tedious, boring task. On the contrary, dishwashing can be made into a fun activity. Or, if you really value your time, listen to the news while doing so. You know, streaming channels and internet radio and shit, for people like me with no television.

Err, that’s pretty much it for ritualized dish washing. Play around and experiment, and let me know if you come up with something interesting and revolutionary. Oh! I just remembered! There’s also something called a dishwasher! Now I personally have a love-hate relationship with it. Before coming to America, I had never really seen a working dishwasher. It was just one of those mythical things I heard about or saw on TV. And when I came here, I realized there is one in my apartment. So naturally I gave it a shot. First, it took me about three hours and five readings of the manual to figure out how it works. Once past that initial nervous stage, I realized that it’s quite useful, especially when you host large dinners and are too lazy to wash a thousand plates. Well, personally I’ve never, ever hosted large dinners (or small ones for that matter) but for some odd reason my flatmate loves hosting them, and then cooks for the entire bunch, and then naturally requests me to clean the dishes, and I can’t say no because it is only fair that the cooker and the cleaner be two different entities to ensure more equity and better accountability. So that’s when I use the dishwasher. But, it has one crucial weakness: it is an energy-and-water-guzzling behemoth. For a two-person household like mine, it is almost always more efficient and environmentally friendly to simply do the dirty work by hand (and, as mentioned above, to get through it by making it a fun and lively exercise!). For a closet environmentalist like myself, this is an important benefit and worth the time spent in front of the kitchen sink at the expense of time for researching papers.

Yes, for those of you interested enough, I am a wonderfully idealistic environmentalist by heart. This is solely and purely due to my childhood affection for Captain Planet and the Planeteers, pretty much the best cartoon show ever. What a gloriously effective tool for teaching kids about the environment, much more so than listening to that fat old bastard Al Gore mumble on and then win a statue for his mumbling buffoonery. On a different note, I was such a big Captain Planet fan that when I was living as a child in Rawalpindi I was once bullied by some older boys out of the playground and I proceeded to do the only thing that made sense at the time: wear my Captain Planet mask (yes, I had a Captain Planet mask. It was cut out from a big Captain Planet book purchased from Jinnah Super. Cute, no?) and go around the residential colony picking up trash. I had a funny childhood. Hehe.