Gulbadan

Since I am a humongous Bollywood fan and know pretty much everything there is to know about it, when the opportunity came up to check out the latest offering, Delhi-6, in the cinema, I immediately jumped on it. I had been looking forward to this film for eons and thus could not resist when a few friends decided to go.

Some context: first, I have been to Delhi a few times, and find the city to be quite fascinating. As many before me have observed, it is a bigger, grander, older (unless you believe that silly little myth about Ram founding Lahore back in the day), more historically-relevant version of Lahore. It is also great for sightseeing, shopping, food and general merriment. I have had great fun aimlessly roaming around the place, or getting lost and then successfully finding my way back, and even randomly coming across some deliciously debauch rum candies (:p). I have some fun memories of the city with some very close friends, and some wonderful acquaintances live there. (Hello to you all! I know I am horrible at keeping in touch, but I still know what you're up to so it's all chill. Joy Facebook!) (Uh, that "joy" thing was a Bengali reference. Is that correct usage?) Overall, it is a kickass experience that I recommend to anyone. So when I found out there's a movie about the city, I was naturally very excited.

Second, I downloaded the soundtrack (illegally, as always. Joy P2P.) and found it to be completely mesmerizing. I thus really wanted to see how they played with the songs in the movie.

Third, it is directed by the dude who did Rang De Basanti, which was a pretty big landmark in Bollywood filmmaking, and the only film in recent memory that I saw with my father. So some good father/son memories are involved there. (Well, when you don't have a lot of those memories, you make do with and hold on to whatever shit is available.)

And blah and blah. So how was the movie?

They say expectations are always a bad thing, as they set you up. Well, in this case, that's spot on. The movie was quite painful to sit through, and by the time it was over I actually felt relieved. Reasons are enumerated below.

First, and really most important, the whole monkey angle was really very, very ridiculous. Now, I know this was based partly on true events (I remember a few years ago reading in the newspaper about strange monkey-man attacks on Delhi rooftops and people going crazy about it and thinking to myself, "man, the folks across the border have really lost it this time!") but it was quite silly how the monkey-man dominated pretty much the entire movie. As I said earlier, it was ridiculous. I really have no other word for it. I am assuming the director was going for a cool, abstract social message ("there is a black monkey inside all of us" is an actual line from the movie!) but when Abhishek decides to dress up in a monkey suit and leap rooftops in a single bound, that just became comical. I am sorry, but I refuse to take seriously any sombre lecture about social harmony in a diverse society when it is given to me in a fucking monkey suit.

Even without the monkey suit, I did not understand Abhishek's fascination with jumping rooftops in single bounds. Now I know old cities are super-dense clusters of old, low- to medium-rise residential housing piled on top of each other (I come from one, I have seen them often) but if the director was trying to inject some humor into the film by showing how Abhishek can jump so well, and for no apparent reason, then he quickly needs to take humor lessons from xkcd.

Second, it appeared to me (and my fellow, and equally perceptive, movie-goers) that the story moves from one random arc to another. There are spatterings of a love story, a fluffy journey of self-discovery and connecting with your roots angle, and an even fluffier social harmony-type message. All of it with a sleazy, good-for-nothing photographer (and he really did nothing good for the movie), an old lady who refuses to die when she should and a black monkey who...well, I've already made crystal my opinions about the fucking monkey.

Third, how the songs are used. This should have been the highlight of my Delhi-6 experience. Instead, I was forced to endure what has become my favourite (and is possibly the sweetest) romantic song in recent Bollywood memory (AR Rehman singing Rehna Tu Hai Jaisa Tu) being filmed on two guys with a twenty-year age difference playing pool by themselves. Bad, bad choice Mr. Director.

Fourth, the movie really takes at least one hour to appear interesting. The first one hour is quite useless, trying to indulge in some pitiful character development but instead ending up using cliches and trite dialogues.

So yea, overall a pretty wretched experience. However, we are gracious people and thus must appreciate the positives as well.

First, the movie really is a pretty funky postcard about the city of Delhi. The above-mentioned first half, as trite and full of cliches as it might be, does a wonderful job of convincing Western tourists to book a flight to Delhi for their next vacation. There are scenes of random kite-flying (I wonder if they have Basant in Delhi?), people chilling out drying chillies on the rooftop, inner-city alleyways and meandering roads, and all the necessary exotic shindig. Yes, now that Mumbai should have tourists back due to Slumdog, Delhi needed a boost as well. Hear that, Lashkar-e-Toiba? You. Have. Failed. (It appears Pakistanis cannot even pull off grand terror attacks efficiently. We have a lot to learn from our Arab (or Zionist, if you choose to believe so) masters and 9/11!) LeT, you probably need to revisit the drawing board back at Muridke.

Second, Sonam Kapoor. That woman is breathtaking. And the best thing, she has that classic eastern beauty thing going for her. Such women are rare who look better in a loose-fitting shalwar kameez than belly piercing-exposing flimsy hippie attire. She is one of them. Whether or not she can act, I am now going to be watching every film of hers with the same gusto I usually reserve for the likes of Kareena Kapoor.

Third, Atul Kulkarni playing the village idiot Gobar. I have been a fan of Atul Kulkarni ever since a scene in the aforementioned Rang De Basanti where he recites magically that inspirational little mindfuck of a poem called 'sarfaroshi ki tamanna.' In this movie, his character is endearing and fun. His cute love story with an untouchable sweeper, as a perceptive fellow moviegoer observed, also has more chemistry than the two leads'. Also, the policeman is a complete treat to watch!

Fourth, well...that's pretty much it as far as the positives are concerned.

So that's the movie in a nutshell. Watch the first one hour and then go do some shopping at Target.

On a parting note, something about the act of random losahs like myself indulging in armchair movie reviewing such as this: I do think it is highly pretentious of us lot to pretend to be pseudo-movie critics and try to sound all informative and insightful. We are indeed quite full of ourselves, expecting someone will actually pay heed to our opinions. But then again, I always did despise film critics for their know-it-all high horse-ry, so if my little act of taking over their jobs leads them to unemployment and thus starvation (or, even better, mutual cannibalism) then let the reviews flow. I should in fact do an Oscars recap (And, ooh goody, possibly deflate Slumdog a little bit! No, I just kid. Everyone likes Slumdog. You have to be a cold-hearted cynical bitch not to do so. Ahmad Abdul-Karim, you are a cold-hearted cynical bitch.)